Bob 58 and Janice 57 came to see Relate because they were feeling frustrated that life wasn’t turning out the way they had planned.

They had three children Sharon 19, Kate 22 and John 25. Bob and Janice had both had good jobs but were now planning to retire and travel before settling into a quiet life at home. They were looking forward to some time together without family responsibilities. However things were not going quite as planned. Son John had been to university but hadn’t done well. He had started taking drugs and had fallen into debt so had moved back home to live. Kate was married and had just had her first baby (rather too young her parents thought) and Sharon had ended her first year at university by becoming pregnant and had come home not knowing what to do.

Bob and Janice, although wanting to be supportive to their family in difficult times, were resentful because they had their plans. Bob said they should go abroad and leave the children to fend for themselves. He hinted that Janice was too soft and said that “she should now be giving him her attention after pandering to the needs of the children all these years”. This was causing a rift between them and Janice felt torn between husband and children.

The couple came along to Relate together to talk about these issues but were soon discussing things about their relationship which had never been aired before. Bob had always felt jealous of the children who “had all of Janice’s attention” but at the same time sometimes felt he was treated like a fourth child instead of the ‘head of the family’. For Janice’s part, although she had always worked, she felt Bob made light of her job and didn’t appreciate her skills. She felt he didn’t view her as an equal partner but as somehow inferior to him.

When the counsellor asked them about their sexual relationship there was an embarrassed silence at first, but gradually they admitted that sex had not been good for some time and that Bob had been suffering from intermittent impotence. He had thought of taking Viagra but was too embarrassed to speak to his GP.

The Relate counsellor worked with the couple to explore questions such as: What was their view of a good relationship and what were the things they already had? They hadn’t really talked to each other for a long time so the counsellor gave them some communication exercises which would encourage them to spend time together and listen to each other. They needed to learn how to be together after many years of pursuing their own careers. “We needed to learn how to be nice to each other again”.

Over time they came to understand how the communication had broken down, that they had not really shared their feelings or views together and had made lots of assumptions about how the other felt. Once the channels of communication were opened they were able to realise that their children were adults now and should be encouraged to be independent. They would give them as much support as they could but the young people needed to realise that their parents had a life too. Once counselling was finished the couple were referred to a Relate sex therapist to improve their sexual relationship.